I have learned a great deal about anger in the past year.
In the past I was shunned and belittled my anger, told things like ‘I don’t deserve your anger.’ Or ‘Your anger scares me.’
I have come to understand that anger was really my soul feeling deeply sorrowful, something was crossing my natural vibration, causing discourse through my system and ultimately bringing me to great anger as a very human and honest response to pain.
How we express our emotional pain is just as valid as the expression physical pain. I believe that actively trying to rigidly control our emotional outbursts is more detrimental to our health then constructively expressing it.
Recently, someones actions hurt me and in response I got angry, stood my ground and raised my voice to this person. I felt a twinge of guilt for my anger as I started to question my reaction. I was taught to be ‘in control of myself at all times’, discipline and militaristic ideals that dismissed my passion, feelings, divine intuition, as well as my softness: was my trigger to sharp and unjust? Was the snap of pain I felt in my core valid? Was I being ‘too sensitive’? Was I blaming this person for someone else’s sins? Should I have just let it go?
The answer was no to these and many other questions aimed at loosening my feelings validity. My emotional pain was real, true, and identifiable.
I feel that so many woman are trying to put themselves into boxes that the world tried to carve out for us to live in when it comes to our emotions.
If I had metaphorically swallowed back that feeling of being emotionally hurt, which is really translates into allowing my self-worth to harmed, I would have felt sick to my stomach. Like food poisoning these deep feelings would have made me feel physically ill. Over time I would have felt the consequences of not speaking my truth in a more physical manifested presence through disease (dis-ease).
To make matters worse, I would have come to resent the person who hurt me and a rift would form vibrationally as I tried to sweep my feelings under the rug.
I was born into a home that was unhealthy, you can watch my documentary ‘Pura Vida’ here. I was given the opportunity to experience compounded trauma and work through it. I know that I will never hear ‘I’m sorry.’ from those who have hurt me the most. For a long time my soul was deeply saddened by this. The little girl that lives within my chest was vulnerable and in mourning, unable to processes deep wounds all by herself. It helped to know that the pain is real and valid. Any feeling that comes up such as: anger, depression, moodiness, wanting to be alone, fear, and many more are all totally natural responses to your inner child feeling wounded.
If we fail to respond to this pain by acknowledging it and accepting that it is real, we get sick. This is a universal truth- it rots us from the inside out. There have been countless movies, books, shows, plays, stories, etc. of this tail, the protagonist fighting with herself to heal her pain and move forward. But, here is what they fail to mention in these stories, I know you will agree that this is true, the sickness doesn’t end with you unless you work through it. Your children, children’s children, distant relatives, will all feel the echo of your pain for generations if you don’t property see it, embrace it, and love yourself through it with unrelenting will.
This is the beauty in anger; when we are moved to express, scream, yell, say our truth even if it’s shaky, it can’t cause us any more harm because the universe has accepted it as our divine truth and thus our vibration is free of discord.
If you are not there yet, that is ok. Write it, burn the letters. Paint it, destroy the canvas. Sing it, and don’t record it. Break the glass against the wall. Run until you can’t any more. Move through the yoga flow until you break down in tears. Just keep working on it. The child within your heart is gorgeous and worthy of your love and dedication, never allow her to be silenced.
And when in doubt listen to some country music…