With school reopening back to full enrollment and the procedural complications of the pandemic still needing to be addressed I’ve been, to say the least, ‘bogged down.’
I love my job, honestly I do. The kids are tough sometimes but every now and then they do something that keeps me working tirelessly and selflessly for them.
I’ve decided though, that it was time for an adjustment in my yoga practice. Some stuff wasn’t working. I managed to start practicing again (GASP I had actually taken a few months off) and reorganize my yoga and art studio space to accommodate new ideas and flow, I’ve still felt ‘stuck’.
Over the years I have amassed quite the library of yoga books. While doing my spring cleaning I finally organized them (I know a year after moving in… but I am but human after all) on my shelves. In doing this I got hard on myself (surprise!!!) staring at all of these books that I had collected with the intention reading and immersing myself in their knowledge to create the BEST YOGA PROGRAM EVER, was like a gut punch ‘Oh yeah Jo, you totally were going to do the things you wanted to do and put all the pieces together… What happened? Why did you let your inner child down? ‘
But honestly the ‘why’ doesn’t matter does it, all that matters is the present moment and what I am doing now.
I scanned the books in my collection and grabbed the first one that called to me ‘The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition)
Now, friends, I had no way of knowing logically what I needed, but I will tell you my soul must have known what nourishment it was craving. When I opened the table of contents was was immediately drawn to the chapter
‘9 Obstacles on the Yoga Way’ pg 125
They are:
1) illness
2) lethargy
3) doubt
4) haste or impatience
5) resignation or fatigue
6) distraction
7) ignorance or arrogance
8) inability to take new steps
9) loss of confidence.
These obstacles act as the rocks we stumble upon on our path or journey.
RIGHT!?
If you weren’t shaking your head and admitting that you totally fall into one or more (or all) of these categories right now then… honestly you are enlightened and I thank you for taking the time to read this entry.
The book is written as though the yoga teacher is talking to the reader, which I actually find pretty charming.
A quote from his thoughts on ‘loss of confidence’ stood out to me… “ When you become aware of the illusion you have been harboring and look reality squarely in the face, it is unfortunately all to easy to then view yourself as smaller or less important then you are.”
I have been suffering lately with all of those obstacles. Many of them rooted in fear that my dreams will never come to pass for various reasons (doubt). The idea though that a lack of confidence is probably at the heart of the ‘bogged down’ feeling is probably the most accurate.
I have overcome so much in my life, that is what being here and opening my studio is all about, to help others use my trauma as a road map to their self healing. I have felt small and less important then ever, so unable to help anyone during this wold wide pandemic.
I have to be more forgiving and graceful with myself, I also was in need of healing from my losses, of which were too many to count, and come to terms with a new non pandemic related reality.
Now we know these are the answers when we gain clarity and are able to look objectively at any given situation as it occurs in our lives… but what about those times that we feel so stuck that nothing is really ‘coming through’ divine download has stopped and were bogged down in the daily muddling through?
According to the chapter we have a couple of things we can practice:
Practice the idea that our overall goal or aim to just to be ‘a little better then yesterday’. When we feel stuck or ‘bogged down’ focus on how we are a little further or better off then yesterday. We can practice gratitude here as well.
Staying with a single teacher, guru, or practitioner even if it seems we are not ‘advancing’. According to the text this is about working through a blockage. I think in the west we are encouraged to seek out many teachers to fill ourselves with different perspectives. This was argued to be detrimental when feeling stuck because we tend to be ignoring some trauma or refusing to face a problem, some sort of denial going on in our personal system. So instead we change the teacher, get stuck, change the teacher, get stuck again… you see a pattern there. The idea to work around this blockage would be to stay with the teacher you are with, form a sense of trust, see if that teacher can help you continue to move deeper past the blockage or ‘stuck’ feeling.
Research, youtube, or read about people who have experienced much suffering or trauma in their lives and discover how they overcame it. I think this one is pretty self explanatory, but I think it can backfire if we are highly empathetic or see the contrast of how others lives triggers us and sends us back a few steps. I might use this one with caution and continue to practice it when it makes sense for you inspirationally.
Mantra affirmation or visualization of an object during meditation. Which we do often during my classes in the studio.
The chapter then goes on to talk about the meaning of OM and how the sound of it helps to clear away thoughts and connect us to source.
For me the biggest way I become ‘un-stuck’ is to spend time out in nature. It helps my brain settle its thoughts, I breathe deeply, I take in all of the sensations of our natural world and this helps me feel at peace.
I want to say that I am back, I am fighting for this yoga retreat center to be a reality. I know it is a marathon of baby steps.
Listening and following through on my inspired thoughts today, reaching for the book, reading the chapter, putting preverbal pen to paper, and now sharing this information with you is the first of many steps to the retreat center becoming a reality.
What small step do you need to do today? Maybe it’s just to spend some time with a beloved teacher or friend who has always been there for you, or listen to your own breathing. I think our hearts and souls know exactly what nourishment we need, and that it’s ok to not be 100% ‘ok’ before we start that process. We’re all worthy of living our passions.