Those of you who have gotten to know me know that I’m always doing ‘something’: painting , opening a yoga studio, writing and teaching mindfulness art lessons, traveling to central America on wellness retreats and volunteer work… etc. My latest project is a collaborative creative project I’ve started with a colleague.
The project takes a deep look at simplifying wellness aspects. I don’t want to go into it too much on here seeing as it is in its infancy and I want to continue to honor the process we have been working on.
That being said, I am not a surface person (just incase these journal entries didn’t shed enough light on that already…) everything I do I have to dive super deep into. As my colleague and I start to peel back layers of nonsense, gray, and misunderstandings in the creative work we are doing, more of our personal trauma stories are coming to the surface.
After one meeting where I dove particularly deep into a vain of ‘aloneness’ I ended my evening with a phone call to my ex-husband asking him to recall facts about a particularly rough time in our lives.
Work in progress
‘I’m just so sad.’ I told him. Being let down by anyone close to me over the past 30 years and ultimately learning how to survive on my own has come with this deep sense of aloneness and un-belonging.
‘Just accept that you are sad. Don’t try to change it.’ he told me.
As much as we were not meant for the domestic marriage life, he is still quite the sage.
‘The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition) Chapter title ‘the world exists to set us free’ page 107
This chapter was heavy to say the least. Here the yogi talks at great length about different paths to ‘Samadhi’ which then leads to Samyama and eventually Kaivalya.
See all you really have to understand from this is that yoga is an eight limbed path. You work at all eight limbs at the same time throughout your life experience; the postures, breath work, and meditation are 3 of the eight limbs. Students who come to yoga to achieve ‘Enlightenment’ know that Samadhi is essentially where you want to end up as far as an overall feeling.
What was interesting is the teacher goes into talking about Kaivalya as the practice that is achieved after you are in a continued state of samadhi. (WHAT??? MIND BLOWN)
I was under the misconception that Samadhi was end game. But as with anything in yoga, there really doesn’t seem to be a true end game, it is slippery, fluid and organically spontaneous. To practice the right conditions is the only way our body and mind will have the opportunity to experience these things.
So what I found to be particularly interesting about Kaivalya was that it means “To Keep To Oneself.”
This is where the pin dropped for me: All of us going through this global pandemic, in quarantine, alone, on this isolating journey as a whole human race at this very moment… How can I not draw a parallel?
A person who as achieved kaivalya understands the world so they can stand apart from it. They do not carry the burden of the world on their shoulders. They are still human, with needs and human function, and they might even be able to motivate people or change the world, but they are not affected by it. They are sure of themselves and their place in the world.
Work in progress
So what does this all have to do with 1) being sad and 2) accepting it.
Most of us have heard the saying ‘If you do what you love you will never work a day in your life.’ Meaning that if you are enjoying your work it wont feel like work. There is this understanding that when we are doing our true life’s purpose, we feel like we are in the ‘zone’. For me there are moments when I am painting, teaching, or doing yoga where I feel like nothing else matters. It’s like a hyper focus where every vibration in my body is hitting the right frequency and I move with fluidity and knowing. Many of us have experienced this ‘zone’ before, maybe we are unaware of it.
Think about a time where you just did what you were doing effortlessly. Maybe you were singing, creating, or running. It just moves through you, you are one with a task or situation; this is samadhi.
It doesn’t have to be profound, maybe its just a moment of ‘ah ha!’ while you are learning something new or dancing.
Does this sound familiar: I’m sad. Why am I sad? I don’t want to be sad. I need to do a, b, c. I’m to sad to do those things. Why am I sad. Oh yeah that’s why I’m sad. Now I’m angry about those things. Why can’t I be anything other than sad or angry now. I’m not a good human because I’m sad. no one else is sad. UGH why can’t I just be not sad. This is so frustrating. Now I’m frustrated and sad. I know I’ll just change how I feel. Nope still sad…
When we are sad, angry, upset, etc. We fight these feelings because we do not want to be this way. We want to be happy, that is where humans ultimately want to stay; contentment.
When we honor our feeling and just accept it, not only do we provide a ‘down stream thought’ and stop the fight, we eventually allow for new things to come through when they are ready.
Now without the fight: I’m sad. I accept I am sad right now.
If the true intent is just to accept how we are in the moment, our truth comes back to us. The journey to Kaivalya is now being taken: to understand the world so we can stand apart from it, to not carrying the burden of the world on our shoulders, to being human and interact with the world but not be affected by it, to be sure of ourselves and our place in the world.
According to yoga “The purpose of the whole of creation is to give us a context for understanding what we are and what we are not.
My deepest advice to you, is just to practice accepting what is. See if this small shift changes anything with in you. Don’t try to distract or fight it. Just honor it and accept what ever feelings come up. You may be closer to your true path then you ever realized.