Imposter Syndrome

Doodle of a house on the shore of Lake Huntington.

My mac is broken, I have a plan on how to fix it but in the meantime I’ve been slightly stuck with my artwork. This urge to doodle has come about due to the stagnation of major work in the studio.

I’ve had a very full head lately. Lots of new opportunities are starting to crop up for me in yoga and my personal journey; I am taking my time with them all. I’ve been working on manifestation and affirmation for about a year now and I can see the physical manifestation of the things starting to come into my reality. This is causing some questions about the future.

In turn, I had a conversation with my colleague about how we can sometimes feel like we are not good enough for our opportunities or manifestations. She called this ‘Imposter Syndrome’ where we make up this other person in our mind who is really us and label them as insufficient in some way. (she is so smart) I think that there is a lot of this ‘Imposter Syndrome’ going around lately as I listen to clients and my own art students in the classroom.

Yoga is interpreted as a ‘coming together’ or ‘to unite’. I interpret it as a coming together of the head, heart, soul and mind. The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition) Chapter title ‘Yoga: Concept and Meaning’ page 5. talks about this concept of attaining what was previously unattainable:

“…there is something that we are today unable to do; when we find the means for bringing that desire into action, that step is yoga. In fact, every change is yoga."

The book goes on to talk about how learning asana (yoga postures) studying literature on yoga, or having a discussion about yoga is considered this ‘change’ because we are doing something we never did before and that changes our realities. Also, that classes taught by yoga practitioners sometimes give off the impression that there are prerequisites in order to study yoga; such as vegetarianism or to not be a smoker. However, yoga aims to meet us where we are. If we practice yoga then we might want to give up smoking as a result. (change as a result of the practice)

“We begin where we are and how we are, and what ever happens, happens.”

So it’s fair to surmise from this that the practice of yoga is actually to honor our path, allow for new manifestations and opportunities to come to us. Maybe there isn’t as much fear in the change as we have come to believe.

When this imposter enters your mind and tells you all the falsehoods about yourself (you know what they are…) we can start to practice yoga in those moments:

Doodle: I found a deer skull in the woods and have been thinking about how to incorporate it into my next work. Nothing ends, it just changes.

• Become present in the moment, focus on one thing at a time, one sensation.

• Remember that there is a higher source then us, protecting us, loving us, and helping us on our journey and that we are one with this source energy.

• Practice gratitude for our gifts and talents, love in our life even if that is in a pet, the wild birds or sound of the breeze in the trees.

• Be open to discovery, allow what is going to happen to happen, have a child like curiosity for the world that is about to unfurl to you.

• Bring attention to your own health, book an over due medical check up, reevaluate your eating habits, dive deeper into your self care, call your therapist, join me for my virtual donation yoga classes on Monday evenings.

• Keep a journal of all of your wins, you have more than you think!

• Release attachment to the outcome. What ever happens, happens. Let it arrive as a gift, a blessing or a lesson.

It’s fair to say that there is still an imposter Jodi lurking somewhere in my mind, but that is just a shadow. Loving our shadows, showing them how to play and interact with us is as simple as giving them a name, recognizing they are there and honoring the reason they are there, which is usually to try to protect us (however misguided that is).

Here is hoping you found some comfort in this and will consider adding these practices to your day. Baby steps friends. You’re not alone.

What we are and what we are not

Those of you who have gotten to know me know that I’m always doing ‘something’: painting , opening a yoga studio, writing and teaching mindfulness art lessons, traveling to central America on wellness retreats and volunteer work… etc. My latest project is a collaborative creative project I’ve started with a colleague.

The project takes a deep look at simplifying wellness aspects. I don’t want to go into it too much on here seeing as it is in its infancy and I want to continue to honor the process we have been working on.

That being said, I am not a surface person (just incase these journal entries didn’t shed enough light on that already…) everything I do I have to dive super deep into. As my colleague and I start to peel back layers of nonsense, gray, and misunderstandings in the creative work we are doing, more of our personal trauma stories are coming to the surface.

After one meeting where I dove particularly deep into a vain of ‘aloneness’ I ended my evening with a phone call to my ex-husband asking him to recall facts about a particularly rough time in our lives.

Work in progress

‘I’m just so sad.’ I told him. Being let down by anyone close to me over the past 30 years and ultimately learning how to survive on my own has come with this deep sense of aloneness and un-belonging.

‘Just accept that you are sad. Don’t try to change it.’ he told me.

As much as we were not meant for the domestic marriage life, he is still quite the sage.

‘The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition) Chapter title ‘the world exists to set us free’ page 107

This chapter was heavy to say the least. Here the yogi talks at great length about different paths to ‘Samadhi’ which then leads to Samyama and eventually Kaivalya.

See all you really have to understand from this is that yoga is an eight limbed path. You work at all eight limbs at the same time throughout your life experience; the postures, breath work, and meditation are 3 of the eight limbs. Students who come to yoga to achieve ‘Enlightenment’ know that Samadhi is essentially where you want to end up as far as an overall feeling.

What was interesting is the teacher goes into talking about Kaivalya as the practice that is achieved after you are in a continued state of samadhi. (WHAT??? MIND BLOWN)

I was under the misconception that Samadhi was end game. But as with anything in yoga, there really doesn’t seem to be a true end game, it is slippery, fluid and organically spontaneous. To practice the right conditions is the only way our body and mind will have the opportunity to experience these things.

So what I found to be particularly interesting about Kaivalya was that it means “To Keep To Oneself.”

This is where the pin dropped for me: All of us going through this global pandemic, in quarantine, alone, on this isolating journey as a whole human race at this very moment… How can I not draw a parallel?

A person who as achieved kaivalya understands the world so they can stand apart from it. They do not carry the burden of the world on their shoulders. They are still human, with needs and human function, and they might even be able to motivate people or change the world, but they are not affected by it. They are sure of themselves and their place in the world.

Work in progress

So what does this all have to do with 1) being sad and 2) accepting it.

Most of us have heard the saying ‘If you do what you love you will never work a day in your life.’ Meaning that if you are enjoying your work it wont feel like work. There is this understanding that when we are doing our true life’s purpose, we feel like we are in the ‘zone’. For me there are moments when I am painting, teaching, or doing yoga where I feel like nothing else matters. It’s like a hyper focus where every vibration in my body is hitting the right frequency and I move with fluidity and knowing. Many of us have experienced this ‘zone’ before, maybe we are unaware of it.

Think about a time where you just did what you were doing effortlessly. Maybe you were singing, creating, or running. It just moves through you, you are one with a task or situation; this is samadhi.

It doesn’t have to be profound, maybe its just a moment of ‘ah ha!’ while you are learning something new or dancing.

Does this sound familiar: I’m sad. Why am I sad? I don’t want to be sad. I need to do a, b, c. I’m to sad to do those things. Why am I sad. Oh yeah that’s why I’m sad. Now I’m angry about those things. Why can’t I be anything other than sad or angry now. I’m not a good human because I’m sad. no one else is sad. UGH why can’t I just be not sad. This is so frustrating. Now I’m frustrated and sad. I know I’ll just change how I feel. Nope still sad…

When we are sad, angry, upset, etc. We fight these feelings because we do not want to be this way. We want to be happy, that is where humans ultimately want to stay; contentment.

When we honor our feeling and just accept it, not only do we provide a ‘down stream thought’ and stop the fight, we eventually allow for new things to come through when they are ready.

Now without the fight: I’m sad. I accept I am sad right now.

If the true intent is just to accept how we are in the moment, our truth comes back to us. The journey to Kaivalya is now being taken: to understand the world so we can stand apart from it, to not carrying the burden of the world on our shoulders, to being human and interact with the world but not be affected by it, to be sure of ourselves and our place in the world.

According to yoga “The purpose of the whole of creation is to give us a context for understanding what we are and what we are not.

My deepest advice to you, is just to practice accepting what is. See if this small shift changes anything with in you. Don’t try to distract or fight it. Just honor it and accept what ever feelings come up. You may be closer to your true path then you ever realized.

So I did

‘So much has changed’ an understatement for the year 2020. This time last year I was in my marital home, in a different job, my a horse and two cats alive and well, teaching yoga classes out of my studio. 

12 months, 365 days ago. That is a blink of an eye, a drop in a bucket. Where we’re you on your life path a year ago?

Transformation and rising to the challenge has been the theme of this year. I have found foot holds, and small caves to rest in during the metaphorical rock face mountain climb- grateful for each moment of pause and self-reflection. 

I am what my therapist would call a ’surviver’. It sounds glamorous… It isn’t. My primary way of dealing with situations is to ‘survive them’. That means I shed things, people, and places quickly, loosening my burdens or responsibilities in order to survive.  

Imagine you are floating in a little boat on the ocean. It is a calm and beautiful day. You have everything you love and need with you on your boat. Then, all of a sudden, a storm kicks up. To survive the storm, my first reaction is to start throwing things overboard. <— welcome to my shadow work.

This year was important for me to experience because it forced to me face some of my truths about my ‘survivalist’ mentality. 

The first truth; I was raised in isolation. The woods, birds, and frogs were my friends. I grew up making imagination my playmate. I would take to the woods, the fields of the farm, and the comfort of my own companionship to overcome my loneliness. 

When the pandemic hit my county and we shut down, I was scared, as we all were, I sank deep into my childhood experience. The isolation reminded me of my youth, at 4 years old, wondering around in wooded groves, talking to wild animals, allowing stillness and solidarity to be my kinfolk. 

I was was born to overcome isolation while making friends with it. 

The second truth; No one said ‘I love you’ growing up. There were no hugs or kisses, no comforting cuddles when I fell or scuffed my knee outside. I wasn’t told I was beautiful, smart, or kind. I didn’t have any sort of role models for how to help others feel respected, nurtured, or loved. Diminishment of self and being the preverbal doormat was how I was raised to behave to ‘fit into’ society.  Be quite, do what they say, and take my punches without flinching. I have given many years of my life to making others feel more comfortable with my presence, to be small and of service. Like many women and girls, I was brought up to fit into a box that a man would find appealing.

During COVID, I isolated in the Catskills, with limited internet and no TV, I was sitting with myself a lot. No distractions. In that time I sunk, like many of us did, giving into a certain level of fear and the question of ‘What will become of me now?’. That is when I took to the yoga mat, I meditated, prayed, and stared out the window at the early spring days, when night came I stared at my own reflection asking the universe ‘What now?’ it answered…’Focus on yourself.’ 

So I did. 

The third truth; through my suffering as a child I learned who I was as a person, my truth. I learned that I cannot control anyone else but myself. I learned how to survive my situations. I learned the value of my own thought and that my power frightens weak people. 

When we went into ‘lockdown’ I had to make a choice on how I was going to navigate the whole experience. I wrote down steps, changing how I would ‘survive’ to how I would ‘THRIVE’ during the pandemic. I wrote down several things that I would do every day or week to THRIVE in the situation. 

Some examples were to do my yoga, sit in nature, write and do my artwork every day… also to connect with another person, begin a search for a romantic partner who wanted to be on this journey with me. 

So I did the unthinkable. After sifting through my work in isolation, focusing on myself, and actively manifesting how I want to feel with a new life partner- I started dated, for the first time in 7 years, during a global pandemic. 

From this experience I learned that affirmation doesn’t really care who you are, but what you think and feel regularly, and it will, without a single doubt, manifest your thoughts again and again without fail into the physical world. 

The pandemic brought me a gift, the ability too see every situation as an opportunity. 

An opportunity to learn, reconnect with myself, love when it is hard or scary, trust the process and myself, trust in my feelings, respect myself, and dive deep into my shadow.  It gave me the opportunity to accept loss, grieve completely and fully, accept what I cannot change, and to grow as a person. 

So, where am I at the end of 2020?  

For me it feels like the best is yet to come, there are so many wonderful things to look forward to.  My third eye is open, my heart is full and my mind is ready. I feel confident and strong in my abilities going into the next year, this next phase of things. 

I wish you peace and deep self love for the new year. My hope for you is to walk in your life knowing that every situation is an opportunity, and that you are not alone in the journey. 

Through Flames and Darkness

Thanksgiving and November in general has to be my most difficult time of year. The idea of family gatherings bring me nothing but a burning through my chest: a mix of hope and loss.

How green I was five years ago, my last name recently changed through marriage and struggling though my second semester of student teaching in a Pittsburgh inner city high school. Still fresh with the ideals that had been presented to me through my life- some sort of fantasy intertwined with hope and crushing disappointment. 

I wish I could even remember what I was trying to teach the students that day, or what topic my after school course was when I got the email, (yes… email) that my house had been lit on fire and was currently being extinguished.  I think the landlords even said ‘it’s all been taken care of.’ like it was a broken hinge on the door or someone mistakenly put my mail in the wrong slot. 

Lights from fire trucks were blazing as I pulled up. The company who had been hired to fix the roof had lit it on fire by mistake when using a blowtorch. I entered looking for Whittaker, ignoring all the men who tried to talk to me about logistics and insurance. 

He had been home alone, just a kitten at the time, and after searching and calling for him he finally appeared, shaking and scared. I pulled him to me and breathed him in, soothing his fears. 

That’s when the phone rang: 

“Your mom is dead.” 

A high-pitched ringing in the ear and breath stopped in my lungs. At least the voice was familiar on the other end of the phone, gentle cool, begrudgingly giving me this tidbit of information, my grandmother.  

Firefighters boots heavy on the floor behind me tracing patterns on the old wooden floorboards now covered in soot in water. The only words I could utter from my lips were “ okay”  before ending the phone call and standing in the war zone in my own home, so different from how I had left it that morning.  

Hands shaking, I dialed my new husband, I tell him that my mother has died, over 1000 miles away from my now ash soaked linen.

The cleanup crew sent in women, with mops and buckets, brooms, and towels. One of them stoped, noticing my tears. She ran to me giving her condolences on the fire, the loss of my possessions, the inconvenience of my displacement.

I allowed myself to confide in this woman, a stranger, that my mother has just died. Instinctively she reached out, pulling me to her chest, as I began to sob, my inhales catching her gentle perfume. She smoothed my hair and tells me she is sorry, comforting a little child in her arms.  

Women do this, we sooth, comfort, give of ourselves to complete strangers, to loved ones, to the little children whose tears are hot and sticky on their cheeks. It is race-less, creed-less, genderless, to whom we give this love.

As women we feel such deep emotions, beautiful things like love and hope, and we can feel pain in others as if it was our own. It is such a powerful thing to be able to comfort, to lean into a woman and ask for help, to be given that help so freely. How powerful, how absolutely gorgeous in our divine nature, our truth. 

From the literal ashes of my worst day on this earth I have rebuild myself, piece by piece. 

This is the truth you have been needing to hear- If pain can be acknowledged and given comfort as if it was a little child; if you allow your self-love to be a balm, you will heal.

It is guaranteed.

It’s not easy, to push up against these big feelings; to allow yourself to fall to your knees in agony, to cry unapologetically, to beg God or the universe to ease your suffering, to feel every bit of the experience, but it is truly necessary. It passes. It is but a storm on a black sand beach.  It is temporary. 

You must experience it, know that you are indeed strong and worthy, you will be there at the other end of the storm. You will hear your own breath in your lungs, your heart beat in your chest. You will still be alive at the end of it. It is not the end.

You are not alone, you never were alone. The worlds women are here to hold you while you sob, even if it’s just in our hearts- we all feel you through the flames and darkness.  

current work in progress- Acrylic on paper 12”x18”