‘So much has changed’ an understatement for the year 2020. This time last year I was in my marital home, in a different job, my a horse and two cats alive and well, teaching yoga classes out of my studio.
12 months, 365 days ago. That is a blink of an eye, a drop in a bucket. Where we’re you on your life path a year ago?
Transformation and rising to the challenge has been the theme of this year. I have found foot holds, and small caves to rest in during the metaphorical rock face mountain climb- grateful for each moment of pause and self-reflection.
I am what my therapist would call a ’surviver’. It sounds glamorous… It isn’t. My primary way of dealing with situations is to ‘survive them’. That means I shed things, people, and places quickly, loosening my burdens or responsibilities in order to survive.
Imagine you are floating in a little boat on the ocean. It is a calm and beautiful day. You have everything you love and need with you on your boat. Then, all of a sudden, a storm kicks up. To survive the storm, my first reaction is to start throwing things overboard. <— welcome to my shadow work.
This year was important for me to experience because it forced to me face some of my truths about my ‘survivalist’ mentality.
The first truth; I was raised in isolation. The woods, birds, and frogs were my friends. I grew up making imagination my playmate. I would take to the woods, the fields of the farm, and the comfort of my own companionship to overcome my loneliness.
When the pandemic hit my county and we shut down, I was scared, as we all were, I sank deep into my childhood experience. The isolation reminded me of my youth, at 4 years old, wondering around in wooded groves, talking to wild animals, allowing stillness and solidarity to be my kinfolk.
I was was born to overcome isolation while making friends with it.
The second truth; No one said ‘I love you’ growing up. There were no hugs or kisses, no comforting cuddles when I fell or scuffed my knee outside. I wasn’t told I was beautiful, smart, or kind. I didn’t have any sort of role models for how to help others feel respected, nurtured, or loved. Diminishment of self and being the preverbal doormat was how I was raised to behave to ‘fit into’ society. Be quite, do what they say, and take my punches without flinching. I have given many years of my life to making others feel more comfortable with my presence, to be small and of service. Like many women and girls, I was brought up to fit into a box that a man would find appealing.
During COVID, I isolated in the Catskills, with limited internet and no TV, I was sitting with myself a lot. No distractions. In that time I sunk, like many of us did, giving into a certain level of fear and the question of ‘What will become of me now?’. That is when I took to the yoga mat, I meditated, prayed, and stared out the window at the early spring days, when night came I stared at my own reflection asking the universe ‘What now?’ it answered…’Focus on yourself.’
So I did.
The third truth; through my suffering as a child I learned who I was as a person, my truth. I learned that I cannot control anyone else but myself. I learned how to survive my situations. I learned the value of my own thought and that my power frightens weak people.
When we went into ‘lockdown’ I had to make a choice on how I was going to navigate the whole experience. I wrote down steps, changing how I would ‘survive’ to how I would ‘THRIVE’ during the pandemic. I wrote down several things that I would do every day or week to THRIVE in the situation.
Some examples were to do my yoga, sit in nature, write and do my artwork every day… also to connect with another person, begin a search for a romantic partner who wanted to be on this journey with me.
So I did the unthinkable. After sifting through my work in isolation, focusing on myself, and actively manifesting how I want to feel with a new life partner- I started dated, for the first time in 7 years, during a global pandemic.
From this experience I learned that affirmation doesn’t really care who you are, but what you think and feel regularly, and it will, without a single doubt, manifest your thoughts again and again without fail into the physical world.
The pandemic brought me a gift, the ability too see every situation as an opportunity.
An opportunity to learn, reconnect with myself, love when it is hard or scary, trust the process and myself, trust in my feelings, respect myself, and dive deep into my shadow. It gave me the opportunity to accept loss, grieve completely and fully, accept what I cannot change, and to grow as a person.
So, where am I at the end of 2020?
For me it feels like the best is yet to come, there are so many wonderful things to look forward to. My third eye is open, my heart is full and my mind is ready. I feel confident and strong in my abilities going into the next year, this next phase of things.
I wish you peace and deep self love for the new year. My hope for you is to walk in your life knowing that every situation is an opportunity, and that you are not alone in the journey.